I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
