I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
