I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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