you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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