You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
