Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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