I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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