Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
