You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
