Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
