I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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