Who did Billy Mays play for?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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