I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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