If i come over, it means nothing
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize