I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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