I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
