Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
