Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
