Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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