i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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