Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
