and she was petting her beer can
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Houston, we have a squirter
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
