She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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