Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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