Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
