happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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