And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
