so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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