I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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