I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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