if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
