I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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