She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
