Just fell off a train. Bad.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i drank out of a bidet.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
