I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
