she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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