So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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