my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
