You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
