You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
