How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
