I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
