if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
