so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
