i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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