it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
