Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
