just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
