if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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