Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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