once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
