he was CRYING into my vagina
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
pray to the hookup gods
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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