today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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