I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
