one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
