any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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