Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
lets start a swedish sibling band together
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
