69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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