did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
