remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
