My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
