why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
